Elara glared up at the smirking guardsman. His large form

Azurite: --possibly an application for the role of Town Idiot--

was leaned casually inside the gateway; not exactly threatening, but definitely barring her way.

Silver: I'll say this for the young author: at least she knew how to spell "definitely."

Chester [Random Doofus]: Definatly!

Azurite [Doofus II]: Deffanetly!

Chester [Doofus III, with spell-checker]: Defiantly!

He was chewing noisily on something.

Chester: Probably one of those squeaky rubber dog toys.

"Who're you?" he inquired between bites.

Silver: One of the protagonists. Need you ask?

She didn't trust him, but telling him her name should be fairly harmless. "I am called Elara.

Azurite [Elara]: --but only in formal situations. My family calls me "El," and my friends call me "Lara." You can call me "Exquisite Dark Mistress."

Silver: What the--? Where did that come from?

Azurite: Oh, you probably don't want to know.

Please let me pass." She tightened her grip on the long wooden staff at her side.

Chester: The wood barked in protest. ...Get it?

Silver: [groan]

Azurite: Seriously.

Azurite: ...Wait. Are you groaning at Chester's pun, or at the fact that this story now contains an angsty swordsman and a mysterious woman with a staff?

Silver: Yes.

"That so?" He munched thoughtfully. "Hmm . . . you're kinda cute. Where're you from?"

Azurite [Elara]: Your sweetest nightmares, big boy.

Chester: Cut it out. You're scaring us.

Silver: That's it, no more Elara riffs for you.

Azurite: Aww...

His speech was a little indistinct.

Chester: Yeah, it's hard to talk around a rubber chew toy, let me tell you.

'Ugh, I think he's drunk . . . not a very good guard.'

Azurite: You don't need to be sober to be a good guard. You just need the ability to block a doorway with your large form.

She was quickly getting impatient. "It doesn't matter. I'm in a hurry, so will you please get out of my way?"

"Nope.

Silver: Ahh... There's nothing quite like a good, authentic medieval dialect.

Azurite: Not in this story, anyway.

Sorry. I can't let anyone pass until they tell me who they are, where they're from, and what their business in town is.

Azurite [Phegadi]: Since you're a lady, you'll also have to report your measurements. Better yet, I should check for myself; we can't be too careful around here, you know.

So . . . " He raised a thick eyebrow

Chester [thick-browed bystander]: Hey! Raise your own eyebrow, you creep!

and leered a bit. "Tell me all about yourself, lady."

Silver [Elara]: Well, I don't care for piña coladas, but getting caught in the rain is nice on occasion...

Elara studied him for a moment; it wasn't pleasant.

'What an objectionable man; he doesn't look very intelligent, so he'll probably be fairly easy to fool. Lets see . . . '

Silver [Elara]: Phegadi... I am your mother.

Azurite [Phegadi]: WOO!

Silver: [elbow]

Azurite [Phegadi]: I mean, NOOOOO!

"I am a spice merchant from Kelin. I have a friend here, and I need to get to their house while they're still awake."

Azurite: Wow, that was convincing.

Silver: Oh yes. It's common practice to use the indefinite plural pronoun when referring to a close friend.

'Yes, that should do it.'

Azurite: I don't know what she expects 'that' to 'do,' but she must have some weird definition of 'it.'

He scratched a large ear skeptically.

Chester [large-eared bystander]: Gah! Leave us alone!

"That can't be right. This is the South gate . . . and Kelin is Northwest of here." He peered suspiciously at her. "Say, you look kind of odd . . ." He leaned forward to get a closer look.

Silver [Elara]: Stop staring down my shirt.

Almost like that Southlander spy we caught last year."

Azurite [Phegadi]: Eeyep... That's Southlandish cleavage if ever I saw it.

'So, he's brighter than he looks. That isn't good.'

Silver [Elara]: I've underestimated him. He must have an IQ of at least 45 to see through my clever ruse!

She backed away, trying to conceal herself in the darkness. She hoped that he hadn't managed to get a clear view of her.

Chester: --chest. Unfortunately, he had.

Azurite: Dun dun DUNNN.

Then, as she was trying to figure out what to do next, something occurred to her.

Silver [Elara]: Maybe buttoning up my shirt will solve this problem!

"Hmm? What spy?"

Azurite [Phegadi]: The spy I spied with my little eye.

"He looked like you, all pale-like, with real dark hair. Why, do you know anything about him?" He began walking toward her as she backed farther away. "Hey, where are you going?

Silver [Elara]: Would you believe I left my car lights on?

You're a spy too, aren't you? You're here to find our secrets, so that your people can take over, is that it?"

Chester: He's jumping to a lot of conclusions all of a sudden.

Silver: It's almost as if he's trying to pass some unwieldy exposition.

Azurite: Nahh... couldn't be.

She shook her head. "No, I . . . "

Silver [Elara]: I just have a mild case of infiltrationosis. It's a medical condition. Don't judge me!

The guard made a sudden leap at her and caught her wrist as she was turning to run. Unable to think of anything else, she swung her staff at his head with her free arm.

Chester: Nothin' beats a good floggin' to the noggin!

His hand intercepted it with surprising speed;

Chester: ...Except that.

now that he had a grip on that, both her arms were effectively trapped.

Silver [Elara]: Curses! If only I hadn't glued the staff to my hand...

"Ha! You can't hurt me with that pathetic little stick."

Silver [Elara]: That's what you think. SPINNING SPLINTER STRIKE!

'We'll see about that . . . !' Quickly concentrating, Elara sent a wave of searing magical heat up the length of the staff.

Azurite: --which promptly caught fire. Severe burns were sustained by all.

The big man yelped in pain, jerking his hand away from it. She could see that the palm of his glove had been burned away.

Chester: So he took it off and covered his remaining glove in rhinestones, thus starting a hot new fashion trend.

Silver [happily]: No MST is complete without a Michael Jackson reference.

Unfortunately, the hand on her arm only tightened its hold. She winced.

Chester: I hope she had the foresight to purchase arm insurance with Geico.

"So, you people are witches," he growled. Then he snickered.

Azurite: "Grrrrr... tee hee." I don't know, that just doesn't work for me.

"Heh! The King will surely give me a nice reward for bringing you in!"

Chester: Fifty cents and/or a hearty handshake, depending on the apparent cleanliness of the applicant.

He started to pull her back toward the gate. "You're not only a spy, but a spy with demonic powers! . . . Hee, hee . . .

Silver: Evidently, Phegadi is filled to the brim with girlish glee.

You'll be executed for sure, just like the other one!"

Silver [Elara]: You can't execute me; I quit!

Azurite [Phegadi]: Fine. Just have your cubicle cleared out by Friday.

Elara was shocked. "They . . . killed him?" Her voice was suddenly very small and weak. He stopped to turn around and grin nastily at her.

Silver [Elara]: Good god, man! When was the last time your brushed your teeth?

"Sure. Fed 'im to the fish, they did. I even got to watch as they stuffed him in a cage and tossed him in the lake." He snickered again, an unpleasant, nasal sound.

Azurite [Urkel]: Tee hee--[snort]--hee.

"Now there's a rare form of entertainment!"

Azurite [wistfully]: I'll say! Why, I haven't seen a public execution done up right in years... Say, did I ever tell you guys about the time--

Chester: Let's take a rain check on that.

Elara was filled with a sudden loathing for the laughing guardsman and his cheerful sadism.

Silver: Later, she and Indra would form the first local chapter of the International Phegadi Anti-Fan Club.

She had to do something . . . but what?

Silver: If you don't know, young author, then how should we?

"EVIL BASTARD!"

Azurite: That's right: casting aspersions on his lineage will make him let you go!

She yelled it right in his wide, grinning face. He was so startled by the sudden change in her manner, that he let go of her wrist.

Azurite [amazed]: I retract the sarcasm from my previous statement.

She immediately took advantage of this by getting both hands firmly around her staff.

Chester [staff]: Can't... breathe...

"HE WAS MY BROTHER!"

Azurite: The evil bastard was her brother?

Silver: That's no way to talk about family.

She swung it around in a powerful upward arc that caught him squarely in his barrel-like chest.

Azurite: Huh. I'd think that an upward sweeping blow would catch him somewhere else.

Her staff, being only the focus point of her telekinetic energy, did not even touch him before he was sent flying backward through the air.

Azurite [Phegadi]: Wheee, I can fly! I can-- No, wait; I just got hit really hard. Damn.

Silver [Elara, grumbling]: Serves him right for calling me a hostile magic-user. Why do the Northlanders have such silly prejudices?

As he landed, already unconscious, in a heap of straw, Elara noticed another man standing a little way off.

Silver [Elara]: No need to be standoffish. C'mon over here and I'll beat on you, too.

'How many of these oafs are there?'

Azurite: More than you can shake a searing, magically heated stick at.

He was younger, slimmer and a little shorter than the first,

Azurite: Is this Indra, then?

Silver: He is the only other character in the story so far.

and wearing the same dull brown uniform.

Chester: That must be one big uniform!

He was looking right at her; the surprise and confusion were clear on his face, even in the dim torchlight.

Azurite: He just writes the words "surprise" and "confusion" in big bold letters on his face every morning. It saves him having to form actual expressions of bewilderment all day long.

Chester: So let's say we have a "No Belching" sign on the forehead, "Surprise" on the left cheek, and "Confusion" on the right. What does that leave us?

Azurite [Indra's Chin]: This Space For Rent

After a moment, he glanced over to his unmoving companion, then back to Elara.

Chester [Indra]: Oh my god! You killed Phegadi!

Silver [Elara]: ...What of it?

Chester [Indra]: Marry me.

His expression changed from consternation to a strange kind of unreadability.

Chester: He must've switched his facial font to "Wingdings."

He shouted something, not quite loud enough for her to hear,

Azurite: Not many people can shout inaudibly, but Indra is a special lad.

then started walking briskly toward her. Not wanting the recent past to repeat itself, she turned and ran back into the forest.

Azurite: That must have hurt.

Silver: Yeah... I've run into a tree or two in my time, but never an entire forest.

Pounding footsteps followed close behind her.

Chester [Indra]: Come back! I just want to kiss-- I mean, talk to you.

« Act I, Scene 1 | Act I, Scene 3 »